When you start your book like this, please do not be surprised that I do not want to read more than two pages. I get you were shooting for humor, but it kind of came out as condescending to me and yeah, as you so aptly noted - "passive aggressive".
One more thing. There are actually some people who like those boring old Russians very much.
" The tongue boner.
Exposition. This is the part of the story where you get to know me and start to root for the little underdog that I am, hoping and praying for my inevitable triumph, or, you can decide you can't stand me and just close down your electronic reading device in disgust after sentencing me to exile in the recycle bin with all the other stories you were too good for. I know I sound a little passive-aggressive, but you can put up with that for a few pages. We both know you've done far worse for much longer periods of time (remember that guy you used to date and filthy things you let him do to you? You know the one I'm talking about, so don't act all innocent.)
Anyway, it's not like this is your last chance at reading. The Brothers Karamazov isn't going anywhere and you were never really going to read it. How do I know you were never going to read it? I have read it and unless you are currently being held at gun point by a literature professor you are not going to read the damned thing.
Besides, this story, my story is a lot more interesting than some dried up old Russians. Why? This story has dicks, lots and lots of dicks. Oh, so now you are interested? I should have put dick in the first line."